I haven't talked much about my experience in giving birth to my sweet Zade, at least not near a much as I did when I had my first. I found this interesting because as a birth professional I have told the story of the birth of my first son, Levi, hundreds of times. His birth truly rocked me to my core and changed so much for me. I had no idea I could be so powerful and strong. I had yet to experience an opportunity like that to be intuitive while also just letting go. Even now, it comes so naturally to express, with words, how I feel about Levi and he transformed me.
But with Zade it is different. Everything is different with him. There is a steadiness and strength about him. It is quiet and serene. Something I never expected. As I have come to know him, this is how I treasure his birth.
My pregnancy was not what I was planning on. In any sense of the word. Yet I believe that a pregnant mother has an added sense of intuition and connectedness to her growing baby. I felt so clearly that the little life that was growing in me was strong. So very strong. That early in my pregnancy, I had no solid reason to believe so, but knew that whoever this little soul was, they would be strong of both mind and body. Fairly quickly I was able to confirm at least part of that: I felt him moving, distinctly and continuously starting at just 12 weeks. We were in a movie theater to see Avatar and I just knew I was feeling those first flutters despite the fact that I was nowhere near “showing.” My midwives were intrigued enough by this to speculate that I may be a month further along than my LMP indicated.
With all of the on-again, off-again labor, I kept insisting I was not going to call it “real labor” or even hope for it until I was pushing him out of my body. Every time contractions would get regular and stay for a while, just to leave again, it was just as if someone gets you all excited by telling you “You’re going to D-I-S-N-E-Y-L-A-N-D!! Pack your bags!!” and then as you pull up to the airport all rushing with the thrill of your big trip, they tell you the plane been delayed a week and you will have to come back later. My sister-in-law relayed this analogy to me over the phone after I had yet another round of contractions that produced no baby. Wiping my tears I knew she completely understood as she had just had her 6th little one just a couple months before, experiencing some prodromal labor as well.
On my sixteenth day past 40 weeks, I won another trip to go see my back up Obstetrician to make sure everything was looking good. As with my first, I knew my baby was fine and just needed the “extra” time. Even with my confidence, I was still nervous that my doctor’s office would not be so optimistic; if they determined that I was too high-risk to birth at home for being more than 14 days past my due date, or for any other reason, my midwife would have no longer been able to attend my birth without having to worry about jeopardizing her license. And I would have never ask that of her. My fluid levels were checked, Zade’s activity levels were examined and he was measured. The NP, Heather said everything looked really good with the fluid and she was happy with the movements... and that he was HUGE. She said if that wasn’t a problem for me, we would have a beautiful birth at home. Dr. Johnson confirmed and we were relieved to have the green light to go home. Heather stripped my membranes but I didn’t want to know how far dilated I was. At my request, she told Kyle after I left the room since I wanted to know after the birth, but didn’t want to deal with the emotional ramifications of how far a long I may or may not be. With so many regular contractions, I could have convinced myself I was 5 centimeters along. Although I know that it really has no bearing on progress, I didn’t want the burden of that knowledge.
We finished up with the appointment and headed home. With DyAnna staying at our house, we had some extra excitement with all the extra kids. By the time all of them were in bed and settled I felt the need to clean the kitchen! It wasn’t that the kitchen really needed to be cleaned but I needed to be doing the cleaning. This tipped DyAnna off that we may actually be having a baby some time soon. Around 10:30 or 11pm I could tell things were starting to really pick up. After about 30 minutes in a strong, regular pattern I told Kyle to fill up the birth tub because I wanted to be in it in the worst way. We had been able to “test it out” since it had dominating our kitchen space for nearly 6 weeks, enjoying some movies from our “hot tub.” Kyle had become very good at filling it up but that night the tub would finally be used for its primary purpose, not just in false alarms. As the water line rose, the lights went down and the soothing rhythms of Pandora filled the house. Candles were lit and I was able to labor as I had been envisioning.
In between pushes, right before he was born
My body took courage and met the strength of contractions. The surges were nearly overwhelming with intensity yet the safety of my home, surrounded by those that I love allowed for the energy to fill the room; it didn’t need to all be held within my body. Together Zade and I worked and prepared for him to arrive. Kyle was so present. So ready. So excited and so supportive. At some point my incredible midwives Julie and Jen arrived, then Misty, my divine doula, as well as our lovely photographer, Amy. Sarah, Dy’s cousin came to help with the kids should they wake up, and instead was able to witness her first home birth. It nearly felt like Christmas there in the middle of the night, waiting with still anticipation for the miracle.
On my knees, laboring in the deep water, my body told me it was time to PUSH. With the first exertion fear overtook me. “He’s too big!” escaped my lips and I wanted to hold back. He was ready to come but I wasn’t entirely certain I was ready for him. DyAnna swiftly and directedly told me that he is just the right size that I could do this. As the next rush came I met and held its strength. He was crowning! I felt the stretch and joy that it is to give birth. Those tangible, unforgettable moments right before you give, with everything you have inside of you, birth to a new life.
One more steady push and he was here! He was finally here!! At 2:29am and 17 days past my due date, my sweet, strong little boy arrived! I could not wish for anything to be any different than it was - he was perfect in every way, weighing in at just shy of ten pounds. He was worth every moment of pregnancy and every shade of intensity of labor. And every day with him since has been such a joy. Levi has been over-the-moon as a big brother and perpetually begs to hold him. With Kyle, I have never seen a father so very much in love with his little boy.
And to me he feels like an old soul, a beautiful teacher, that has been gifted to our family. My cup runneth over and I am filled.
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